You’re Doing Guilt Wrong

You’re doing guilt wrong.

“I feel guilty.”

How many times have you said that sentence? My guess is a lot. I know I have and I hear it from my clients daily. 

Sometimes feeling guilty makes sense. If we said something hurtful, didn’t follow through on a commitment, or even acted outside of our normal character, guilt is the natural consequence. 

But many times, when we actually step back and look at the situation, guilt is not the right feeling. 

Many times we express feeling guilty when we haven’t done anything wrong.

We feel guilt when we disappoint someone, make a decision based on our needs/wants rather than theirs, tell someone no, or even when we don’t handle a situation perfectly. 

We judge ourselves for our choices of the past and believe we should have known back then what we know now. 

We call all these feelings “guilt.” 

But guilt might not be what we are actually feeling.

If we were really accurate, what we could be feeling is disappointment, shame, regret, fear, judgment, or even embarrassment. 

And here’s the problem with assuming it’s guilt: there’s no solution. You can journal, try to forgive yourself, apologize, or even try affirmations, but that feeling will remain because you aren’t actually guilty of anything. 

In other words, the problem isn’t that you feel guilty, but rather it’s your judgment on what you should have done or who you should be that is making the feeling linger. 

Why we need guilt

Guilt serves a purpose.

When you’ve actively done something, guilt alerts you to the issue. It says, “You need to address this.”

So you do. You apologize, make amends, and learn from the experience.

That’s guilt doing what it’s supposed to do.

But sometimes there’s nothing to apologize for.

Here are three questions that can help you better understand if it’s guilt or something else.  

Question 1: Did I actually cause someone harm, intentionally or unintentionally?

Let’s say you were at a party and you made a hurtful comment about a friend. You intended it as a joke, but it was a joke at his expense. You hurt his feelings, you recognize it, and apologized. 

That’s guilt working as it is supposed to.

But what if your mom sends a text asking you to call her tonight because she wants to catch up. You’ve had a really busy day at work and don’t have the energy. You ask if you can call her tomorrow instead and she responds, “That’s fine. I know you’re busy. Call me whenever you can make time.” Your immediate thought: “I feel so guilty. She’s my mother.”

“I should make more time for her.”

“A good daughter would have called.”

“Why am I so annoyed, I should be grateful?”

Can you hear the difference?

The first example is about taking accountability and repairing the relationship. The second is about judging yourself for having your own emotional experience.

Question 2: Did I do something wrong or differently than I thought I “should”?

“Should” makes every decision feel wrong.

“I should have gone.”

“I should have just said yes.”

“I should be doing more.”

“I should have known she was struggling.”  

But feeling uncomfortable about a decision doesn’t mean the decision was wrong.

Maybe you went to the gym instead of coming straight home. Maybe you said no to an invitation because you were exhausted. Maybe you set a limit and someone was disappointed.

You feel guilty. But what did you actually do?

Was there a real commitment? Was anyone neglected? Or have you learned that being a good partner, parent, friend, or even employee means your needs come last?

Here’s the thing: It’s not that simple. Your needs aren’t always more important than someone else’s, but they’re not automatically less important either.

This isn’t guilt: this is the idea or judgment that comes when you put your needs first or disappoint someone else.

But, remember this: That discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean you made the wrong choice or that you should change your mind. 

Saying yes to things that you want to say no to only leads to exhaustion, overwhelm, stress, and resentment.

Question 3: Am I really guilty or am I disappointed in myself?

This one is tricky because disappointment can sometimes sound exactly like guilt.

“I should have been more patient.”

“I thought I would handle this better.”

“I don’t like how I showed up in that moment.”

Remember, guilt asks: “Is there something I need to apologize for?”

Disappointment and judgment asks: “Why am I not better?”

Better at saying no, handling more, communicating, organizing. Better at being more confident or even more patient. 

But before you automatically believe you were wrong, less than, or that you messed up, take a moment:

What was happening for me in that moment?

What was I really feeling? Overwhelmed? Tired? Anxious?

Was there something else going on beneath my reaction?

Is there something I want to do differently next time?

What changes when you know the difference

Once you know what you’re actually feeling, you can ask a better question:

Is there something here that I did that requires an apology? 

If you caused someone harm, take responsibility. Apologize. Make amends where you can. Think about what you want to do differently next time.

But if you disappointed someone, made the best decision you knew at the time, or didn’t know then what you know now, punishing yourself won’t change anything.

That doesn’t mean you have to feel good about every choice you’ve made. It means you can be disappointed in yourself without turning that disappointment into evidence that there is something wrong with you.