What to do when someone is crying

There is a song from my childhood that I will never forget: Melissa Manchester’s “Don’t Cry Out Loud.” As a child when I became upset, my brothers would sing the lyrics: 

“Don't cry out loud

Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings”

I remember that feeling of trying so hard not to cry. It’s probably a good part of why I became a psychologist. 

But crying can make us uncomfortable, for both the crier and the ones who are witnessing. 

People mistakenly believe that the goal of supporting someone is to help them stop crying, rather than being with them in the moment. Supporting someone who is upset is really more about being present with them. 

You don't need to feel pressure to "fix" the situation.

As if you don’t know someone that well or the person is a stranger, it can be tricky to know what to do. Some individuals like privacy whereas others may want a little acknowledgment. 

A good way to check is to gently ask, "Hey, I can't help but notice you seem upset. Are you ok?" or "Are you doing ok?" "It looks like you're having a bad day, I just wanted to say I''m sorry."

Here’s a few ideas on what is helpful and maybe not so helpful when someone is upset. 

Helpful:
1. I'm here to listen if it would be helpful for you to share what's going on.
2. Let's just sit here together for a while.
3. Take your time.
4. It's good to let it out.
5. How can I help?
6. What do you need?
7. I'm sorry you're hurting.

Not As Helpful:
1. Don't cry.
2. Please stop.
3. You're overreacting.
4. Why in the world are you crying?
5. Think of the positives.
6. Calm down.
7. Look on the bright side. At least...
8. I know how you feel or when this happened to me...
9. What's wrong with you?