Are you emotionally unavailable?

What does it actually mean to be emotionally unavailable?

Being emotionally unavailable means you are holding a part of yourself back, either intentionally or unintentionally. It implies a disconnect or an inability to share what you are feeling with someone. It may not be about the partner, but rather a feeling of being unsafe, uncomfortable, or too vulnerable to share. When someone is emotionally unavailable, it creates a distance. If the other partner is more connected emotionally, the distance can feel obvious and even hurtful.

Why is it difficult to recognize?

Our lives pull us in different directions, many of which require action. Checking in with ourselves and examining our emotions isn’t something we put on our to do list. Also, we aren’t always aware of how we come across to others. We may feel as though we are sharing our feelings with others, but others may not agree. If we are unaware of or uncomfortable sharing our emotions, we overcompensate in different areas.

What are some common signs someone is emotionally unavailable? 

Pulling away in the relationship, expressing discomfort when having difficult conversations or moments of conflict, deflecting, changing the subject, shutting down, struggling to come up with words or explain, feeling frustrated, being a good listener but not a sharer, ending relationships early or to the surprise of others,

It can appear in the language one uses - “I’m independent.” "I’m calm.” “I don’t like drama.” “I don’t need anyone.”

It can also appear through distance or creating unnecessary hurdles like, “She is too settled in her job and I might want to move,” “He’s too close to his family,” “She’s fine, but I’m just not sure yet,” “He’s getting too attached.”

Can you want a relationship while still being emotionally unavailable?

100%, especially in the beginning of a relationship with the depth and the responsibilities aren’t there yet. When it’s new, it’s easier, expectations are less, it’s fun, getting to know someone is more surface level (what do you do, where do you live, etc). When the relationship becomes more serious, partners begin to rely upon one another and this can feel like a lot, especially if you are with someone who is emotionally available and interested in a deeper connection.

How does someone become emotionally unavailable? 

We see it in our families and how easily our parents express emotions. We learn it from our experiences when we have been vulnerable or rejected. We end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy as well as the cycle continues and reinforces our belief that expressing emotions is too risky or results in hurt.

What is the difference between emotional unavailability and just not interested?

Not being interested usually results in an action as the other will stop making plans, begin to express doubt or concern, arguments may increase. The emotional unavailability is more confusing as the other person may want the connection, but it feels so uncomfortable that they aren’t sure how to connect. It’s not as clear, leading the partner to stay.

What can you do? 

Therapy can be a great way to feel supported and get comfortable with emotions in a non-threatening environment where there are no expectations. The first step is learning to become aware of emotions before comfort and expression can begin.

Beginning to notice the emotions or your reactions when emotions are involved. Not judging, forcing, or sharing, just noticing can be a good first step.

Take a screenshot of a feelings wheel or emotions wheel and reflect on three emotions they felt throughout the day. They can be easy: happy, mad, sad - there are no awards for experiencing emotions with more syllables.

Also, recognizing there are no good or bad emotions, not even positive or negative. Emotions are information into our experience.

Sharing your struggle with your partner: “This is really difficult for me, but I want to become more comfortable sharing so I’m going to try.” or, “In past relationships, I have avoided difficult conversations, but I’m working on becoming more comfortable.” “I have a habit of avoiding conflict, so I’m new at this emotional stuff. I just may need a little patience.”

Having a 5 minute check-in with your partner where you practice using the emotion/feeling wheel together and sharing about each other’s day is a great way to become more comfortable while practicing hearing and supporting the other.

Do I need therapy? 

No, it doesn’t require therapy, just an openness to sit through discomfort and make some active steps toward change. Therapy provides the scheduled opportunity and someone to help you with this process.

What I want you to know: 

This is not easy. You weren’t taught this stuff and feeling uncomfortable with emotions does not mean you are broken or flawed. There is nothing wrong with you. Recognizing that you want to make changes in your life and trying to do so is enough. Oh, and it does get easier.