When the holiday season arrives, a shift happens in my therapy office. My clients start to become more worried, anxious, and nervous about the holidays. The frenzy regarding schedules, gifts, and managing visits with family take the forefront. How will it all go? Will I get everything done in time? I haven’t seen my brother since last year, will it be awkward? How long do we have to stay?
While the holidays can be a time of joy, relaxation, and tradition, those very traditions can lead to anxiety. In addition, complicated relationships, family dynamics, and expectations may interfere with our ability to enjoy the season.
Just as we spend time preparing for the details of the holiday, we need to prepare ourselves emotionally, too, as a strategy to maintain our sanity.
Make a plan:
Take a few minutes to think about holidays from the past. Are you happy with how things went? Would you like anything to change? Be different? Try to be as specific as possible.
Try to focus on how you typically feel during the holidays. Do you enjoy being around large groups? Does something about your family bother you?
Remove your attachment to tradition. It’s okay to do things differently this year if “the way we’ve always done it” makes you feel uncomfortable, ends in conflict, or just doesn't feel good.
Change the pattern. If your uncle drinks too much and starts to be mean spirited while waiting for dinner to be ready, wait to go over to his house until closer to the meal.
If your kids reach their breaking point at 9:00, start to misbehave or cry, then your family offers feedback about your parenting, leave at 8:30. Remove yourself from the situation before it escalates.
Let it go. Let go of the idea of perfect: the table has to be perfectly set, the entire family together, the meal perfect, the perfect outfit, the kids on their best behavior...remember why you are together in the first place and focus on being together.
Prepare yourself for potential conflict by knowing it is likely to happen. Have perspective. This can be a difficult time for many and other's stress may have nothing to do with you.
Practice acceptance and patience. Look for the pleasant moments, it can be difficult but they are there. Take time for yourself to rest, regroup, and recharge.
Be kind to yourself and others. It's a stressful season, but one you have managed before.
Move away from all or nothing thinking: gifts or dinners are perfect-not perfect, relationships are close or not close, family is supportive or not supportive. Make room for more than one situation: You mom made a few comments about my cooking which is upsetting, but it was nice seeing her play with the kids.
Try to think of a phrase or mantra to help you through the holidays that you say when you are feeling overwhelmed: something like, "No one needs perfection." "My priority is peace."
Develop a phrase you say, frequently, if others ask invasive questions or upset you: "I'm just happy we are able to be together" or "We are all doing the best we can."
