How to Break Up with Someone

Breaking up with someone or telling that you aren’t romantically interested can be hard for a number of reasons. Not only is it awkward and uncomfortable, but we also spend time anticipating or predicting their reaction to our rejection.

But, delaying rejection is not going to make the process easier for either one of you.

As difficult as it is to tell someone you are not interested, it needs to be done. Not being honest or direct can prolong the situation, making it even more difficult to do down the road for you and more confusing for them. Telling the person as soon as you recognize your interests do not match is ideal, as it allows them the opportunity to move on to someone else. Keeping them under the impression that you are interested is unfair to them and only makes it harder for both of you.

Many times people wonder whether these discussions have to be done over the phone, in person, or text. In instances where you have dated for an extended period of time, in person may be a sign of respect. If you were just dating, texting your thoughts is okay. Many people are more comfortable communicating by writing and a phone call or in-person visit can make our messaging less clear. Overall, It is more about the message than the method. If there’s a safety concern, in person is not recommended.

When expressing disinterest, it’s important to respond from a place of “I” messages, sticking to what you are feeling or experiencing rather than what they are or are not doing. If you aren’t interested in the person, providing them with a list of characteristics you don’t like about them can be cruel, especially if they are beyond their control. Also, if there is a chance those issues can be changed or corrected, the individual might be confused as to why you aren’t giving them the chance to do so.

Some potential phrases could be:

“Hey, I think I should let you know that I’m not seeing this develop into more than a friendship.”

“I’m really sorry, but I am not interested in dating you.”

“I am not able to go out with you anymore.”

“I’m going to be pretty direct here, but I wanted to let you know that I’m not feeling a romantic connection with you.”

“I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t think this is what I am looking for.”

Try to stay out of their response. They are allowed to be disappointed and it makes sense that they would be! Trying to show sensitivity during the process can look like, “I’m sorry if this is disappointing,” “I’m sorry things didn’t work out,” “Thank you for understanding.”

You cannot prevent them from feeling emotion about your decision, but it does not mean that you have to sit with them while they are experiencing it, though, or subject yourself to their anger or blame. If that happens, phrases such as, “I know this is disappointing for you, but I am not ok with how you are speaking to me,” or “I understand you are upset, but I have been pretty clear with my reasons and have nothing new to add.”

In all of these scenarios, less is more. Too much information detracts from the message and can lead to rambling, especially when the person may be unable to process all of it if the rejection is a shock or disappointment

Being direct isn’t the same as being mean. While our direct words may hurt their feelings, it is not intentional, just an unfortunate side effect of the rejection.

Whether or not you remain friends depends upon how each of you handle the rejection and if you want that person to remain in your life. It’s okay to take some time to think about it or allow more space for healing.